I want you to do something for me. Do a Google image search of “kitten.” Look at the results. See the very first one?
Upper left hand corner. Mouse over it. See the URL?
Boom!
That’s right. I am the supplier of the number one ranked Google image for kitten.
Since kittens basically rule the Internet I think we can agree it’s time for me to retire.
I’m out.
Outside in our lawn the very handsome boyfriend asked me, “Wjhat’s lime for? At the hardware store there’s a sign that says it’s time to lime your lawn.”
Me: “Huh. I don’t know. I only know you can use lime to hasten the decomposition of bodies or try to anyway, if you’ve murdered someone and need to dispose of the corpse.”
Pause.
Me: “I know that because of research for books. Not because I’ve tried it.”
I have these types of conversations with some regularity. It’s just part of what’s in my head. The other stuff in my head is TV cartoons song lyrics and middle school dance moves it’s imperative I never forget.
I’m pretty sure the error message on the photocopier was telling me to “add more magic sparkles.”
I mean what else did that down arrow and multiple stars mean?
The other day I did some back to school shopping with the very handsome boyfriend. I may have mentioned, in the past, that I have a thing for coats/jackets. I was veering toward one with military details when the boyfriend offered the following opinion: “That looks like something Michael Jackson would wear to a dom/sub party.”
Ouch.
In related news, I didn’t buy that jacket. I bought a different one.
Today I discovered that my maple syrup (always Grade B, as other grades do not suffice) had an enjoy by date stamped on its bottle. Not a “best by” or “sell by” but “enjoy by.”
So the very handsome boyfriend said, “What happens if you have the syrup after that date?”
Me: “You don’t enjoy it.”
There you have it folks. Please check all your condiment bottles immediately. I’d hate for your consumption of that mustard to be tainted by non-enjoyment, or, you know, germs.
According to this text analysis software, I Write Like, my writing resembles that of Margaret Atwood.
To obtain this result I pasted in several paragraphs of my current manuscript and hit the analyze button, and it came up with Margaret Atwood.
You can try the tool here.
In related news, I’m feeling a lot better about my current manuscript.
I imagine this will be a one entry feature as I don’t much like bumper stickers. I think it’s genuinely odd to wear your political heart on your car. Or your traveling history. It’s the same way I feel about personalized checks. Why? Why would you personalize the act of rent or dental bill payment? It’s just..weird.
But today I saw a bumper sticker that made me laugh. And that in it’s very rareness seemed worth writing about. So here’s what it said:
“I enjoy poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.”
May that car’s driver be blessed with an absence of traffic tickets.
The words “man about town.”
Why doesn’t anyone introduce himself this way?
It’s such a great line.
When it comes to music I am a lyrics kind of girl. What can I say? I like words.
So Jonathon Coulton has won my heart more than twice for his songs such as “Code Monkey” that describes the life of software jockeys and the crazy catchy “Re:Your Brains” about an annoying coworker zombie who keeps pestering you to let him inside so he can eat your brains. And you thought your coworkers were awful.
Check his stuff out http://www.jonathancoulton.com/store/downloads/
You won’t be sorry you did if you have any semblance of taste.
Sorry about the extended absence. I’ve been very busy as of late and some of that business has involved writing (yay) and editing (yay). To make it up to you I’m going to share my latest published short story, “Reattachment.”
Warning: this story contains bloodshed and adult situations.
Reattachment